The Cat Strikes Back
by Lonicera Japonica
Summary: No one doesn't think giraffes are funny. Not even Rob Lucci. Although, this might be a good opportunity for revenge... [LuccixKaku] Warning! Crackfic.


Lucci prided himself on his composure, among many other things. His control could not be broken– that time six weeks ago with the rubber kid _didn't count_– and his sense of equanimity was unmatched. He had yet to run into a situation– one that counted– in which his carefully crafted and finely-maintained mental defenses could be brought down. He was a _rock_.

However.

His long-time teammate, respected coworker, and second strongest member of the most powerful and elite government organization in the world looking down at him from 18 feet up in the form of a yellow, spotted ungulate with knobby little horns and a fuzzy mane and _wiggling his ears_ was, frankly, almost too much to bear.

Still, he collected the fragile and shattered remains of his poise and crossed his arms, looking up at the towering mess of knees and elbows and fur that was Kaku with an expression dead set not to waver.

His eyebrow twitched.

"Goddamnit," the giraffe lamented, stamping a hoof in exasperation. "Is there _anyone_ on the planet who doesn't find this hilarious?!"

Lucci, who had impersonated a shipwright for five years in order to gain the favor of the mayor of a very important town, who had spent half a decade speaking only with the aid of a pigeon, who had woven and enacted deceptions that would make the gods of mischief and malice writhe in jealousy, braced himself for the biggest lie he would ever have to tell.

"It isn't hilarious."

"You're laughing on the inside," Kaku accused, his fuzzy giraffe eyebrows down-turned in anger. "I can tell."

"I am not," Lucci said coolly, while attempting to stop doing exactly that.

"This is ridiculous," Kaku snapped, pitching his head in a manner that suggested the tossing up of arms in defeat. "Six weeks to recover from damages, I _finally_ get to use my new zoan ability, and everyone laughs at me. Fantastic." He sighed, ears drooping. "At least you didn't outright cackle like a maniac and nearly bust your lungs like Jyabura did."

Lucci frowned at the idea of being compared to Jyabura. "You must admit," he said archly, "a giraffe is not exactly the most combat-efficient animal there is. And to be honest, you _do_ look somewhat silly."

Kaku's ears snapped back up. He glared. "I'll have you know that giraffes are _quite_ practical in battle, thank you. Lions are afraid of them."

At this point, Lucci really couldn't help himself. "Are you sure the lions aren't simply hiding in the grass while they laugh to spare the giraffe's feelings?"

Kaku gave him a cold and piercing stare. _Oh, it's ON now,_ the stare said. "And how exactly are leopards any less ridiculous than giraffes?"

"A leopard is a proficient and deadly creature," Lucci said smoothly. Kaku was not going to win this one. "One with natural speed, power, stealth, and weaponry."

"And spots," Kaku replied. The hard gaze had settled into one of idle coolness. "Little freckly spots. Fluffy tails. Kitten whiskers. Cookie-shaped ears. Fuzzy paws. One could almost say that leopards are…"

Lucci's eyes flashed dangerously. "Don't say it."

"…cute."

_To hell with composure,_ Lucci thought, as he shifted to full leopard form and barreled straight into Kaku's spindly giraffe legs.

Kaku made a noise like the victim of an unexpected Shigan and managed to change back to human as he fell to shorten the distance to the ground. Still, he hit hard, and only Tekkai kept the wind from being knocked from his lungs and the back of his head from cracking on the tile floor.

"You were saying?" Lucci asked, crossing his paws on Kaku's chest and looking into his face with predatory and highly satisfied eyes.

Kaku was livid. "Oh, is that how it is?" he snapped, struggling to shift 200 pounds of raw feline muscle off of him, to no avail. "I get the short end of the stick once again!"

"You're being childish," Lucci warned. Kaku stopped struggling and looked away, sullen.

"I know," he sighed. "I just…why a _giraffe_?"

"You said yourself that they are strong creatures, didn't you?" asked Lucci, idly examining the claws of one foot. "Capable in a fight?"

"Yes," Kaku conceded. "Lions really are afraid of them, you know."

"Lions, perhaps," Lucci said, flashing a fanged, vicious grin. "Apparently not leopards."

Kaku narrowed his eyes. After a moment, he adopted a sly look that Lucci immediately decided he did not like. Then, without warning, he reached up and scratched Lucci behind the ear.

Lucci very pointedly did not allow his composure to crack even an ounce. Still, the only thought he could keep in his head was _I am going to kill you seven different ways as soon as I can focus properly_ while trying desperately, with everything he had, not to purr.

"Like that?" Kaku asked mockingly.

"Stop that right now or I'll tear you limb from limb and eat your entrails raw and bloody like earthworms," Lucci ground out, unable to keep from bumping his head against Kaku's hand.

"Say that giraffes are better than leopards," Kaku demanded, scratching harder.

"Don't push your luck," Lucci deadpanned, shifting to human in one swift movement and latching one hand around Kaku's wrist and the other around his throat.

"Fine, fine," Kaku said casually. "You win." But he was smirking like he'd gotten the upper hand. Lucci couldn't have that.

"I wonder," Lucci mused aloud. "If, during a zoan transformation, human anatomy is translated over to animal anatomy and thus the pain of injury is felt in both forms," here he paused to rake his thumb along the pulse of Kaku's throat, "do you suppose that other sensations are felt the same way?"

"I– what?" said Kaku, putting up all defenses in a futile effort to resist whatever Lucci had planned, but even the second strongest member of the most powerful and elite government organization in the world couldn't predict, let alone fend off, the attack of Lucci's mouth on the side of his neck.

There was a strained pause, and then Lucci, with sound and calculated precision, bit down on the tendon under his teeth. This, as suspected, produced an uncontrolled and desperate shudder that would have made Lucci grin if he hadn't had a mouthful of neck.

"You…I…nnrgh," Kaku said helplessly, with an involuntary thrash of his head. "What…?"

"Giraffes," Lucci explained, leaning back and viewing the disappointed look on Kaku's face with satisfaction, "use their necks for more than fighting."

Kaku glared at him guardedly for a moment before being struck by realization. "Oh," he said weakly, with something close to depressed resignation.

"Mating rituals," Lucci said simply.

"I hadn't thought of that," Kaku replied.

Lucci waited, still straddling Kaku's legs and gripping the side of his neck. Three, two, one…

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to do that again?"

As expected. Lucci smiled a smug and slightly unnerving smile and leaned back in to bite at Kaku's throat again. The ear thing had been working in Kaku's favor for years; revenge was very, very sweet.


End file.
